Ever since that last time you pulled a Pollyanna and climbed up Winona, that adorable willow tree next to Bryan’s window, jumped and feigned a paralysis in your lower body so he would be forced to carry you inside while waiting for the ambulance, Bryan has been rather mum. The only texts you’ve received have been all “stop contacting me”, and “I’m calling ADT to reactivate my alarm system.” But this week, your heart was revived and raced with the force of twenty underfed, drugged up Irish greyhounds at a racetrack just outside of Dublin in 1926, because Bryan sent you a letter. A LOVE letter. Even though it was signed by The Superior Court of the State of California, you know it was from him. And even though it read something like ‘you, the adverse party, are hereby notified that any intentional violation of this order is a criminal violation. . . [blah blah blah]. . . protection against stalking or harassment. . . [blah blah blah],” you know he loves Jonathan Swift, and therefore it is satire. What a jokester he is, that Bryan!
Since Valentine’s Day is so soon (only 123 days away!!), you should do something nice for Bryan. Wait for him in his bed afterwork, perched atop newly purchased red satin sheets. But first, don’t forget to leave your “scent” on his toothbrush for later- you know where to put it. And hey, while you’re in the bathroom, clean out his hairbrush for him. It was so nice when your mom used to do that for you, and the forgotten follicles will make the perfect stuffing for that little doll you’re making in his image!
Alas, the conundrum: you don’t want to ruin the surprise by letting him know you’ll be there, and he doused that sneaky little key holding ceramic frog that used to be in the bushes by the front door in lighter fluid last year before burning it. Wonder why he did that? Maybe it turned out to be a dart frog- those things are poisonous! Anyways, we here at PPOP know exactly how to get you into Bryan’s house on the down low. We’ve compiled this short list of products to aid you in doing so. Be sure to wear your ‘sneakers’! Hehe!
Vipertek Micro Stun Gun (in pink!)
Bryan’s cleaning lady comes on Wednesdays, and she has a key to the house now because the frog is gone. Tase her from behind and lock her in her minivan. Crack a window if you’re feeling generous!
Household Tool Kit (in pink!)
This one is all sorts of fun! First, you can unscrew the screens on the windows using the cordless screwdriver, and then you can use the hammer to break a window. Later, play some sort of sex game with the level to show Bryan you’re on the same. . . level! If Leila, the cleaning lady, gets unruly, tase her again and use the electrical tape to soften her cries for help and bind her arms and legs.
Leather Secret Mission Gloves (in pink!)
Everyone in movies always does their sneaking in gloves, so why shouldn’t you? And, on the off chance that Bryan gets spooked and calls the cops, there won’t be any fingerprints. It might even be funny to keep them on during sex and call them your ‘love gloves’, cuz god knows you’re not using a condom!
Acepromazine 25 mg (in pink!)
Geraldo Rivera, Bryan’s newly rescued blue-eyed pitbull, seems to have taken a liking to you. In recent weeks, he starts barking excitedly and pawing madly at the front door every time you glance in the sitting room window during your midnight walk. While he sure looks sweet, you don’t want his yammering to put Bryan on alert. And even though he’s done teething, he’s nipped at you a few times when you’ve been squatting in the backyard. It was really your fault though, don’t think less of him- you had the bloody drippings of the nearly raw steak you eat for dinner every night dried on your forearms. Anyways, two or three of these dog tranquilizers should put him out for the night.
*Bonus!* Valentine’s day wouldn’t be complete without a present!! Bryan loves to cook, and you just love everything about that show Hannibal, so why not get him the cookbook written by the show’s resident food stylist? Feeding Hannibal by Janice Poon is available here.