In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the deep, and the Spirit of God moved upon the waters. Then God said, Let there be light; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness. And God called the Light, Day, and the darkness he called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day. On the second day, God created Joe, and saw that he was more than good; in fact, he was so great, God traded with him. And so here we are, many millennia later, to share the divinity that is: Trader Joe’s, our own little slice of Eden right here in the years of AD.
This is the first installment of our newest creation, our food and recipe blog—in time, be it today, tomorrow, or the day that you make the bacon pizza we are about to describe, you too will see that it is good.
While the intention is for this to be a recipe blog, please understand that on our pitiable postgrad budgets, it is often hard to gather the funds and motivation for real gourmet meals. However, we never allow those obstacles to hinder our creativity!
We’d like to start off by sharing with you the result of one spontaneous evening and entirely legal substance abuse:
Pizza á Baconné
1 lb bag of TJ’s Fresh Pizza Dough, which tastes like one thousand Arabian horses galloping on your tongue
1 jar TJ’s Three Cheese Pomodoro Pasta Sauce, with a flavor akin to a lumberjack felling an entire redwood forest on top of your taste buds
1 bag of TJ’s blend of Mozzarella, Parmesan, and Cheddar, which will leave your lips feeling as though you have just kissed the succulence of original sin intermixed with the passion of the cult of Dionysus
1 red onion, 1 tomato & 1 handful of spinach, a combo that presents to your palate an Aztec god rubbing your salty skin down with the finest of rattlesnake venom infused oils
And, finally -nay- crucially:
4 strips of TJ’s Applewood smoked bacon, which will have you squealing with as much delight as the pig from whom it was made squealed when he found out that his legacy was secured in becoming this delectable form
Flour the crust and roll into whatever shape you so desire. Spread the sauce and sprinkle the cheese. Cook bacon as directed, then crumble and disperse onto pizza. Chop onion, tomato, and spinach, then sauté in the bacon grease—then put it on the pizza as well. Place the pizza in the oven, heated to 450 Fahrenheit, and cook for twelve minutes; or, until the crust is as golden as a Trojan sunset before its civilization met its demise, and the cheese bubbles like the cauldron of the Weird Sisters.
PPOP Tip #1: Use an oven mitt (or two if you’re apprehensive) to remove pizza from oven. It will be hot.
PPOP Tip #2: Remember to turn the oven off!
PPOP Tip #3: Eat your pizza before someone else does.
That is all for now, and as we like to say,
“If you put enough guacamole on it, you won’t even notice how bad it tastes!”