Are you getting coal in your stocking this Christmas?

Since the simple days of Socrates, the lines between right and wrong have become increasingly blurred. What’s manipulative and what’s resourceful? How dark can a white lie be?

Be prepared for the likelihood that you’ve been deemed “naughty” due to unsavory behavior this year. Here’s a quick, easy evaluation to determine your ranking:

  • You consistently feel one of these emotions, even if you can’t pinpoint the cause:




  • You don’t remember most of this year besides the blowout sale on bourbon at Total Wine, and that was in February.
  • You didn’t know who David Bowie was until you heard he died.
  • You’re getting everyone snowflake-patterned shot glasses this year because Marshall’s was selling a 12-pack for just $4!
  • You lied about your income to get free Plan B at Planned Parenthood. Then you sold it at retail price to a 15-year-old.
  • You posted more than 30 selfies to a single social media channel (not including Snapchat, obviously)
  • You live in rural Florida.
  • You showed up at Emma’s 26th birthday party with a case of Coors Light.

If any of these pertain to you, or bring to mind similar transgressions, you have a 90% chance of receiving a stocking full of coal.

Of course, several unknowable factors persist:

  • Is this character judgement cumulative or just based on this year?
  • Is owning 2 vibrators considered adultery?
  • What if I don’t have a chimney?

So you’re a cold-hearted snake and it’s too late to rectify the damage you’ve wrought–but aren’t the holidays about joy, and doesn’t joy come from being yourself? Isn’t rewarding kindness with material goods a bit contradictory? How come The North Pole owns both Exxon Mobil and the National Iranian Oil Company and they still pass out coal?

Society has it all wrong, not you. Go ahead, be a reckless bitch all year round. You have nothing to lose.


4 thoughts on “Are you getting coal in your stocking this Christmas?

  1. Pingback: You guys… apparently I’m an adulterous whore if Santa counts adultery by the number of sex toys… I’m a right slut 😂 Sooooo getting coal this year…. haha! No, but seriously check this post out – gave me a good laugh.

  2. Pingback: Apparently I’m an adulterous whore 😂 | I Will Not Live in Vain

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