Are you getting coal in your stocking this Christmas?

Since the simple days of Socrates, the lines between right and wrong have become increasingly blurred. What’s manipulative and what’s resourceful? How dark can a white lie be?

Be prepared for the likelihood that you’ve been deemed “naughty” due to unsavory behavior this year. Here’s a quick, easy evaluation to determine your ranking:

  • You consistently feel one of these emotions, even if you can’t pinpoint the cause:

-Guilt

-Shame

-Regret

  • You don’t remember most of this year besides the blowout sale on bourbon at Total Wine, and that was in February.
  • You didn’t know who David Bowie was until you heard he died.
  • You’re getting everyone snowflake-patterned shot glasses this year because Marshall’s was selling a 12-pack for just $4!
  • You lied about your income to get free Plan B at Planned Parenthood. Then you sold it at retail price to a 15-year-old.
  • You posted more than 30 selfies to a single social media channel (not including Snapchat, obviously)
  • You live in rural Florida.
  • You showed up at Emma’s 26th birthday party with a case of Coors Light.

If any of these pertain to you, or bring to mind similar transgressions, you have a 90% chance of receiving a stocking full of coal.

Of course, several unknowable factors persist:

  • Is this character judgement cumulative or just based on this year?
  • Is owning 2 vibrators considered adultery?
  • What if I don’t have a chimney?

So you’re a cold-hearted snake and it’s too late to rectify the damage you’ve wrought–but aren’t the holidays about joy, and doesn’t joy come from being yourself? Isn’t rewarding kindness with material goods a bit contradictory? How come The North Pole owns both Exxon Mobil and the National Iranian Oil Company and they still pass out coal?

Society has it all wrong, not you. Go ahead, be a reckless bitch all year round. You have nothing to lose.

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Trading with Joe: Bacon Pizza

pig

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.  And the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the deep, and the Spirit of God moved upon the waters. Then God said, Let there be light; and there was light.  And God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness. And God called the Light, Day, and the darkness he called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day. On the second day, God created Joe, and saw that he was more than good; in fact, he was so great, God traded with him. And so here we are, many millennia later, to share the divinity that is: Trader Joe’s, our own little slice of Eden right here in the years of AD.

This is the first installment of our newest creation, our food and recipe blog—in time, be it today, tomorrow, or the day that you make the bacon pizza we are about to describe, you too will see that it is good.

While the intention is for this to be a recipe blog, please understand that on our pitiable postgrad budgets, it is often hard to gather the funds and motivation for real gourmet meals. However, we never allow those obstacles to hinder our creativity!

We’d like to start off by sharing with you the result of one spontaneous evening and entirely legal substance abuse:

Pizza á Baconné

Ingredients:

1 lb bag of TJ’s Fresh Pizza Dough, which tastes like one thousand Arabian horses galloping on your tongue

1 jar TJ’s Three Cheese Pomodoro Pasta Sauce, with a flavor akin to a lumberjack felling an entire redwood forest on top of your taste buds

1 bag of TJ’s blend of Mozzarella, Parmesan, and Cheddar, which will leave your lips feeling as though you have just kissed the succulence of original sin intermixed with the passion of the cult of Dionysus

1 red onion, 1 tomato & 1 handful of spinach, a combo that presents to your palate an Aztec god rubbing your salty skin down with the finest of rattlesnake venom infused oils

And, finally -nay- crucially:

4 strips of TJ’s Applewood smoked bacon, which will have you squealing with as much delight as the pig from whom it was made squealed when he found out that his legacy was secured in becoming this delectable form

Directions:

Flour the crust and roll into whatever shape you so desire. Spread the sauce and sprinkle the cheese. Cook bacon as directed, then crumble and disperse onto pizza. Chop onion, tomato, and spinach, then sauté in the bacon grease—then put it on the pizza as well. Place the pizza in the oven, heated to 450 Fahrenheit, and cook for twelve minutes; or, until the crust is as golden as a Trojan sunset before its civilization met its demise, and the cheese bubbles like the cauldron of the Weird Sisters.

PPOP Tip #1: Use an oven mitt (or two if you’re apprehensive) to remove pizza from oven. It will be hot.

PPOP Tip #2: Remember to turn the oven off!

PPOP Tip #3: Eat your pizza before someone else does.

 

That is all for now, and as we like to say,

“If you put enough guacamole on it, you won’t even notice how bad it tastes!”

Ode to Cheese

You know that cozy feeling of a thick woolen sweater?

I find the same warmth in a big block of cheddar

 

For fancy occasions though, I choose gruyere

Nothing like strong odors at a black tie affair

 

If you were to offer me some gorgonzola

I’d be so overjoyed that I’d accidentally pull a

 

Hamstring while throwing a one-man dance party

Don’t even get me started on a slice of havarti

 

If it’s just a few of us hangin’ at a low-key kickback

I wouldn’t say no to some Monterey Jack

 

As for lonely nights, I just sprinkle on shaved parmesan

And suddenly find all my worries are gone

 

When my attempts to extort information fall short

I bolster my words with a mouthful of Roquefort

 

Mozzarrella, was it you who lost your glass slipper at the ball?

Or was that another Ella, I cannot recall

 

Provolone and swiss make for turkey sandwich bliss

And it would be rude-a to not include-a gouda

But cottage cheese, fuck you