“Make Life Your Dildo”: Registration now open

The modern world has a yeast infection. You don’t even realize because to you, it’s always smelled like that. The good news: PenPalsOnPills is hosting our first annual women’s retreat, “Make Life Your Dildo”. This weekend-long enlightenment series held in Buellton, CA will include several self-care workshops designed to educate and empower even the most pathetic females out there. If you don’t think this event is for you, then it definitely is.

Here are just some of the cutting-edge activities on the agenda:

Deconstructing the Myth of the Cute Top

Bring your favorite shirt and see where it ranks on our completely objective Cuteness Scale.

You’re not Basic

Delete your Instagram before making an acai bowl. The rest of the workshop is unplanned, as we cannot predict how you’ll fill the time you would have otherwise spent filtering your #eatingclean photo.

Sole Cycle

Ride a road bike uphill alone in Humboldt County, no music or directions allowed.

36 Whiskeys

Develop the alcohol tolerance of a truck driver.

Punt like a Cunt

Play one-on-one flag football against a real-live lesbian. The tournament doesn’t end until you win.

Keynote speaker Cate Blanchett: “Galadriel vs. Bob Dylan”

Award-winning actress explores the strengths and weaknesses of two of her most acclaimed roles, then fights herself live on stage.

Queen of the Ranch

Master the art of Reverse Cowgirl with an introductory lecture on theory, followed by an interactive class and final exam.

The first 10 to register receive a complimentary orange paisley pantsuit and autographed DVD of “Carol” starring Cate Blanchett. The second 10 receive an unsigned VHS of “Elizabeth”, also starring Blanchett. Just email PenPalsOnPills@gmail.com with your credit card information to sign up!

Sponsored by 7/11 brand tampons
*Show your ticket at checkout for 75 cents off a bag of Funyuns

 

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