“Make Life Your Dildo”: Registration now open

The modern world has a yeast infection. You don’t even realize because to you, it’s always smelled like that. The good news: PenPalsOnPills is hosting our first annual women’s retreat, “Make Life Your Dildo”. This weekend-long enlightenment series held in Buellton, CA will include several self-care workshops designed to educate and empower even the most pathetic females out there. If you don’t think this event is for you, then it definitely is.

Here are just some of the cutting-edge activities on the agenda:

Deconstructing the Myth of the Cute Top

Bring your favorite shirt and see where it ranks on our completely objective Cuteness Scale.

You’re not Basic

Delete your Instagram before making an acai bowl. The rest of the workshop is unplanned, as we cannot predict how you’ll fill the time you would have otherwise spent filtering your #eatingclean photo.

Sole Cycle

Ride a road bike uphill alone in Humboldt County, no music or directions allowed.

36 Whiskeys

Develop the alcohol tolerance of a truck driver.

Punt like a Cunt

Play one-on-one flag football against a real-live lesbian. The tournament doesn’t end until you win.

Keynote speaker Cate Blanchett: “Galadriel vs. Bob Dylan”

Award-winning actress explores the strengths and weaknesses of two of her most acclaimed roles, then fights herself live on stage.

Queen of the Ranch

Master the art of Reverse Cowgirl with an introductory lecture on theory, followed by an interactive class and final exam.

The first 10 to register receive a complimentary orange paisley pantsuit and autographed DVD of “Carol” starring Cate Blanchett. The second 10 receive an unsigned VHS of “Elizabeth”, also starring Blanchett. Just email PenPalsOnPills@gmail.com with your credit card information to sign up!

Sponsored by 7/11 brand tampons
*Show your ticket at checkout for 75 cents off a bag of Funyuns

 

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Texting acronyms that actually describe life

When was the last time you were actually ROFL? No one’s that funny, and floors are usually gross. We here at PenPalsOnPills encourage you to keep it real, so we’ve provided a list of text acronyms that let you quickly and genuinely communicate to your friends how you’re doing and what you’re feeling throughout the day. Start using them today! Don’t worry if no one knows what you’re saying–that’s what LOL is for. 

SODI–Smiling outside, dying inside

ARLWTTL–At red light, waiting to turn left

DTBWFM–Down to binge-watch Will Ferrell movies

TBTSTC–Too busy taking selfies to care

MILO–Maybe, if the lights are off

SWFMP. WTFD –Still waiting for my pizza. What the fuck, Dominoes

PIHIAHS–Pretending I’m a housewife in Anthropologie’s home section

LOLTGBA–Laughing out loud to get Bryan’s attention

LITDA–Lying in the dark alone

WTCTE–Wanting this conversation to end

TNTF–Trying not to fart

STWS–Sorry, that wasn’t sarcasm

10 things more real than pumpkin spice lattes

If you’ve recently had the pleasure of strolling down the glittering streets of upper middle class suburbia, you’ve passed more than one Starbucks and seen the same hand-drawn chalkboard ad for “The Real PSL”. Perhaps you’ve wondered how a pumpkin-flavored beverage has more Instagram followers than you. Or maybe you’re more preoccupied with the fact that people are walking around drinking liquid pie. Or you’re like me, and the Pumpkin Spice Latte’s self-proclaimed “realness” has led you to question how many other lies you guzzle down each day with a pump of artificially flavored syrup.

  1. Racial equality. Harriet Tubman may have replaced Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill but that doesn’t change the fact that as a white female I could talk my way out of setting fire to a jewelry store then trading its goods and employees for nuclear weapons. Mostly because I’d be talking to the neighborhood watch volunteers, as the real police are busy arresting a black man for taking out his trash after 5pm.
  2. Democracy. In general, I love college. Just not when it’s electoral. Where’s the alcohol? Where’s my voting power? I guess I got to the party too late. Thomas Jefferson would furrow his ginger brow in disdain at the lack of respectable bumper stickers available for this year’s election.
  3. Teen girls’ reactions upon winning Adele tickets on the radio. “Oh my god I can’t believe it. This is incredible.” Is it? We all know you wish they were for Drake.
  4. Unlimited bread baskets at Outback Steakhouse. As it turns out, they ask you to leave after 43 baskets and one Diet Coke .
  5. Ariana Grande’s half-ponytail. It’s always there. I doubt she was born with it. This one’s quite the chin-scratcher.
  6. My neighbor Nikki’s tan. “I was kayaking off the coast of Uruguay last week and it seems I got a little sun.” Yeah right, you’re the color of Taco Bell hot sauce and you hate temperate climates, you spray-painted whore.
  7. Nikki’s husband’s business trip. When was the last time a 7th grade algebra teacher had business in the heart of Bangkok? Someone’s trying to deep-fry his rice noodle in fish sauce, good lord! Or should I say, mee krob!
  8. The Bay Area’s love for NPR. Apparently not everyone is as enchanted by Kai Ryssdal as I am, since STOMP cover bands on Bart received more donations during one instrumental rendition of Toto’s “Africa” than KQED’s pledge drives did this entire month.
  9. Bryan’s restraining order against me. Paper has a really poignant way of burning to dust, doesn’t it?
  10. Retail sales associates. “Wow, that dress was made for you.” Actually it was made for 12 cents an hour by Indonesian children who have no idea I exist. But damn, it does look good on me.

By all means, enjoy the flavors of autumn in a toasty paper cup. Just remember: the PSL is only as real as you make it, and you can actually order it any time of year as long as you’re wearing a velour jumpsuit.