how to get more girls to like you

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It’s common knowledge that every gal loves a good ol’ fashioned pussy lickin’ once in awhile. And when we say “once in awhile”, we’re drastically under-exaggerating. Keep these thoughts in mind, and you’ll have girls crawling all over you like a swarm of gnats & rats on Hot China Town Garbage in no time!

  1. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  2. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  3. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  4. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  5. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  6. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  7. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  8. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  9. It ain’t gonna lick itself.
  10. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself. It ain’t gonna lick itself.

Got it?

This post unofficially sponsored by feminist porn and this pair of panties.

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6 ways to force Bryan to hang out with you

Bryan’s so hot and so down to earth. The only problem is, he’s always got some cute excuse why he can’t hang out, like “No, I’m busy” or “I don’t see you that way”. It’s time to heat things up between you and Bryan, and if he’s not going to take the initiative, here are some ways you can.

  1. Appendicitis: If, mid-conversation, you succumb to a bad bout of appendicitis, he would be a total jerk not to escort you to the emergency room and stay the night as you recover from the traumatic surgery. Who needs an appendix when you’ve got Bryan’s reluctant presence at your hospital bedside?
  2. Pokemon Go Lure: Wait til sundown in a secluded urban alleyway to set the trap. Bryan’s got to catch ’em all, so you know he’ll come. Soak your cutest top in chloroform the night before and embrace him tightly so he’s more docile.
  3. Car Trouble: Park outside his house and drop your keys down the storm drain. If you’re willing to really commit to this one, drop your phone, too. This leaves you with only one option: knocking on his door and coming inside while the two of you passionately decide how to get you out of his house. Who knows, it may take all night. Especially if you lock yourself in his bathroom.
  4. Eviction: Report instances of illicit drug use and human trafficking from Bryan’s roommate Vince’s room. Get that bitch evicted. Then head straight to the leasing office and fill that vacancy with your fun-loving self before Bryan can say “Stay the hell away from me” in that adorable way he does.
  5. Street Mugging: Get your sketchiest friend to put on a hoodie and jump Bryan as he walks alone in his typically quiet neighborhood. Coordinate this to a T so you pass by the scene right as your masked comrade descends. Depending on what valuables Bryan has on him, this could turn into a lengthy investigation so you’ll definitely get plenty of face time in the months following.
  6. Lost Dog: Steal his unsuspecting King Charles Cavelier, Charles, in the night, then wait a few days for posters to come up. Insist to Bryan that he’s more likely to find Charles if he offers a hefty monetary reward. Then, just as all hope seems to be lost, find Charles wounded in your backyard. How odd, the little guy just curled up back there! Bryan will arrive at your door as you’re lovingly nursing Charles back to health. This wins you his gratitude, affection and money.

What everyone’s thinking when you go out to dinner alone

On occasion, us gals like to treat ourselves to what we call a “me” night. You know, because we deserve to be pampered even though no one else thinks so. Sometimes these evenings consist of nothing more than aggressively ravaging your cheap vibrator to the rhythm of Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”. Other nights you may venture out into the public because you’re a strong, independent [insert race here] woman who don’t need no [insert gender here] to have a good time.

Who’s judging? They’re all too preoccupied with their own meals to notice I’m here by myself,  you think naively while shoveling an entire bread basket down your throat. I could be passing through on a business trip. I could know the head chef. They don’t know my life. I’m me and I’m proud.

We at PenPalsOnPills are here to tell you exactly who’s judging, and why.

Your waitress:

“Oh no, another Tinder date gone array. Or is it ‘awry’? I should’ve taken the SATs. Will she tip me more if I bring her another bread basket? She’s down to the crumbs, so embarrassing. My boobs are perkier than hers.”

The bartender:

“Fifteen minutes and she hasn’t ordered a drink? I bet she expects someone to order one for her. It’s not going to happen tonight, honey. Should’ve shown more cleavage.” 

That hot guy at the bar:

“Normally I go for the desperate type, but look at how she’s destroying that bread basket. I don’t need that kind of emotional baggage in my life. Women come and go, but my entry-level account executive job is forever.”

Carol and Myles, the middle-aged couple at the table next to yours:

Carol: I bet you $10 her date never shows.

Myles: I’d rather spend $10 on another Old-Fashioned.

The attendees of Chelsea’s fourth birthday party:

“Should we give that homeless lady some of the cake? Or does that mean we have to invite her to sit with us?”

“I heard babies come out of your butthole.”

Your chicken parmesan:

“Well, shit. I was raised in an overcrowded farm, brutally slaughtered, sliced to bits and smothered in three types of cheese only to be shamelessly consumed by this sad human who has no one to speak to about my delicious flavor. This is like dying twice.”

But good for you, girl. Get out there!