Red Talk #1: How to Repurpose Your Shed Uterine Lining

 

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Welcome to Pen Pals on Pills’ newest venture: the Red Talk. Its much like a Ted Talk, but more about your bloody pussy. Congrats, you’re a woman!

Each month, the average woman loses 2-3 tablespoons of blood. Most of this blood is thoughtlessly wasted and violently flushed down the toilet. You may be thinking green by using a Diva Cup, but we need to start thinking red too. The repurposing of our shed uterine linings can do much good for the globe, researchers, bakeries, doctors, our families and friends. Here’s our brainstorm.

 

BLEED ON THE EARTH

Assert your progenerative powers and nourish the earth with your sacred scarlet gift. Let your garden grow!! For further reference: see here.

INVENT A NEW STRAIN OF MEDICAL MARIJUANA AND CALL IT “BLOOD DIAMOND OG” OR “PSYCHO SHOWER KUSH” OR “KRIMSON KAT DIESEL” OR “JULIANNE MOORE”

If you’re bleeding on the earth, you might as well grow something worthwhile. Become a ganja gangsta in the fast evolving marijuana industry by creating super strains with high cbd for helping out with period pain, but also high thc so you’re laughing at Rick & Morty instead of crying from PMS; market to women, create a subscription for monthly deliveries (you should probably make edibles too; chocolate, duh) like the ladies over at Le Parcel, become instagram famous in a way that’s like if #girlboss and a dude from Workaholics had a baby, and then become a millionaire.

BECOME A FEMININIST ART ICON: FUCK WATERCOLORS USE BLOOD YOU BLOODY BITCH

Georgia O’Keeffe is a legend, but not all of us have the dexterity or artful ability to get on that level; instead, you can pick up some brushes and 2-for-1 canvases at Michael’s and go to town painting roses and rhododendrons. Make them for yourself, your future kids, or a modern art museum in Albuquerque. Start an etsy, and embrace becoming the next Art Baby. Whatever.

MAKE A SEXY NEW SHADE OF LIPSTICK

Rig a Pinterest tutorial and substitute your blood for pigment. Hemoglobin-chic! So Nars. Very Stila. Much Mac!

SEND IT TO YOUR ENEMIES ANONYMOUSLY

You can send glitter bombs, but a small vat of your vital fluid sent with no return address to the home of your ex-boyfriend’s parents is even better.

WRITE A PARODY OF AVATAR WHERE ALL THE PEOPLE ARE RED INSTEAD OF BLUE AND THEN COVER THEM IN YOUR BLOOD TO LOWER COST

Will Ferrell- are you reading this? It’ll be just like Spoils of Babylon, but instead of parodying Ayn Rand, its Zoe Saldana!

NATURAL LUBE, GET J-J-J-JUICY YOU BLOODY BITCH

Put a towel down, call a pal, take advantage of nature’s KY Intense™, and refer to this.

INVENT A NEW COCKTAIL CUZ BLOODY MARY IS JUST A COP OUT USE YOUR WIT GOD DAMNIT YOU’RE A WOMAN

“Ooooh yeaa! I’m like the best bartender everrr!!” -every girl ever. So show us. And don’t drink as much as you normally do- I know you just took 800 mg of ibuprofen.

THROW A FULL MOON POOL PARTY WHERE ITS JUST A POOL FULL OF YOU AND YOUR “SQUAD’S” BLOOD FROM THE LAST YEAR

Actually, don’t do that last one.

 

Xanaxes & Os,

Kelsey

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