Great news! There’s no need to spend your moon cycle confined on the couch with chocolate and Gilmore Girls reruns when you’d rather be out on the prowl with the squad. Here are some ways you frisky little horndogs can play during the Red Scare.
shove a tampon way up there: Like way, way up there. I’m talking like no visible string. After the frivolities it may take a few days to make its way back down, but that’s a small price to pay for a good bang.
take to the shower: Rub a dub dub, blood in the tub. He won’t even notice the carnage if you lather yourselves up in enough cucumber-scented body wash. Stay tuned for “Shower Sex Tips”, coming soon.
turn off the lights: It’s all the same in the dark. He’ll just think you’re a very naturally lubricated gal. If the lights go on at some point later in the night, act confused and tell him he must have cut himself at some point. Try an “Oh my god, are you okay?” for optimum authenticity.
role-play a scene from Saw III or Grey’s Anatomy: Whether ruthless violence or kinky surgeons float your boat, putting the gore of womanhood in a different context can make all the difference.
find a vampire: They’re easy to detect. Look for a pallid complexion, bloodshot eyes, and brooding demeanor. Most commonly found trying to blend in to high school settings. But be careful not to mistakenly take home your friendly neighborhood heroin junkie. To really make this a win-win, charge that succubus for this fine-dining experience.