It’s hard to make friends in a new city. Here’s how.
- Avoid the first few events you’re invited to—not because you’re too cool, but because you’re crippling social anxiety keeps reminding you that you’re a creep, you’re a weirdo (what the hell are you doing here? you don’t belong here.)
- Eventually accept invitation to party, holiday or otherwise.
- If the party is on Friday or Saturday, make sure you start stressing early—let the stress distract you from Monday or Tuesday onwards.
- The morning of the get-together, buy two bottles of wine. One for you, one for the party.
- Before the party, drink 3 glasses of wine by yourself while curling your hair and dancing to The Weeknd in your underwear, so you’ll be ready to dazzle your new friends with your witty quips and intellectual remarks.
- Walk into the club (or apartment) like “what up? I’ve got a big cock.”
- Depending on climate, perhaps murmur Mackelmore lyrics in your head for confidence, and just say “hello”
- Distribute the wine you’ve contributed to the party and pour some for yourself. Also have some beer. And some whiskey. And some Irish moonshine, if the moment permits.
- Realize you had nothing to worry about in the first place, people are chill and so are you
- At this point, you should stop drinking, but you’re feeling overconfident in your newfound social abilities, so actually just continue overcompensating until you’re on the verge of a blackout (relocation at this point from party to pub is viable)
- Now you’re the drunkest person at the party. What do you mean that’s not a compliment??
- Go outside to smoke a cigarette with your new friends, and get into a verbal altercation with the bouncer of the pub, who remembers you from a small incident two months ago and has an insane personal vendetta against you
- When you are disallowed from re-entering the bar, loudly regale your new friends with the anecdote about why he hates you in the first place with a drunken bravado; repeat unnecessarily, because you are smashed
- Chat some more outside the pub, call yourself an Uber.
- Go home and make a 2 am pesto-cheddar quesadilla and watch an episode of Brooklyn 99.
- Spend the next day in bed until 4 pm, and bask in an equal amount of shame and glory: you may have embarrassed yourself, but you told some good jokes. Two birds, one stone.
Xanaxes & O’s