You know how sometimes you’re hanging out with someone just to get it in, but you both feel the need to pretend you actually enjoy each other’s company?
So you put on Netflix or surf through your shitty Cox cable selection and end up watching Family Guy re-runs because “Who doesn’t love this show?” until an acceptable amount of time has passed to take off your pants.
That’s all fine and good, but it could be even better without Peter Griffin’s nasally voice overlapping your obnoxiously exaggerated pleasure-moans.
Screen one of these ball-bustin’ blockbusters to give your next soulless hump-sesh a little spirit.
National Treasure. The only thing naughtier than stealing the Declaration of Independence is what you’re about to do against the coffee table.
The Graduate. “The Sound of Silence” is flawless the first, second, third and fourth times it plays in this film. And Benjamin’s sense of hopeless isolation probably mirrors your own if you’re hooking up with a guy you can’t even have a substantial conversation with.
The Lady and the Tramp. Delightful background music in this one, too. “We are Siamese, if you please” really flows with “Get on your knees”
Anything Tom Cruise is in. They’re all just a series of explosions, piercing stares, and plot lines you can follow even while you’re faking an orgasm. Except Minority Report, that one’s actually kind of worth watching.
Titanic. Just kidding, that’s something Cosmopolitan would put on their list. Fuck you, Kate Winslet, share that scrap of wood, he’s dying over there.
8 Mile. That final rap battle sequence is a more intensely satisfying climax than yours will be, so just lose yourself in the music the moment you own it, but don’t vomit up your mom’s spaghetti.
Juno. Because you wouldn’t want to forget the potential momentous consequences of your canoodling.
The March of the Penguins. The angst of real-life Antarctic penguins combined with Morgan Freeman’s honey velvet voice results in an unparalleled visceral pleasure that you needn’t be ashamed of. (If documentaries are too intellectual or you’re just feeling a little animated, try Happy Feet as an alternative, but don’t expect the same sensation)
Add these to your queue so you’re prepared, but just make sure that if one of these dudes comes back again, you don’t blow your cover and screen the same movie. I’ve found keeping a record in Excel to be quite helpful.