Written by Gregory Marblemouth and Autocorrect
Since my original review was reported and removed from Yelp, I am honored to take this platform to discuss how FANTASTIC my life has become since I introduced Blowfish into my daily routine.
Drinking is wonderful. The only three drunken moments I can recall are glittering with a hedonistic perfection comparable with ascending to Mount Olympus. Much of this is due to cocaine, but that’s not part of this review. However, the one drawback of reckless alcohol abuse is the hangover that follows.
Before Blowfish, my nightly jaunt to my seven favorite bars would leave me haggard and useless the following morning. Throbbing headaches. Shaky limbs. Blurred vision. Relentless projectile vomiting on my secretary Kathy.
My job performance was noticeably deteriorating as I failed to balance work and binge-drinking, and just as I was about to abandon all hope and apply to become one of those holiday bell-ringers outside Walgreen’s, I heard tell of a wonder-drug rumored to be the”cure” for hangovers.
This magical pill was designed to replicate the combination of coffee and pain-relievers that many regular drinkers turn to when experiencing a hangover. I assume this is because the other common combination of bacon, mimosas and more mimosas yields a sensation that cannot be captured in one small pill.
Due to less acidity and a quicker uptake period, this pill zaps your hangover in the balls before you can say “I just can’t even”.
Its infallible effectiveness has allowed me not only to maintain my lifestyle of heavy drinking, but expand upon it: I now begin my day with three hearty servings of bourbon and a Blowfish, top off my morning coffee with two light shots of whiskey, and can handle up to six additional drinks with lunch before needing a second Blowfish to take the edge off.
Then, after my tough day at work is through, I hit the town for my usual gallivanting, but instead of being limited to only my favorite seven bars, I can visit ALL the town’s liquor establishments knowing that faithful Blowfish will fuel me in the morning.
Have I been forced to change careers? Yes. Have I lost all of my non-homeless friends? Yes. Have I physically aged thirty years in the past three weeks? Probably, but my vision has rapidly declined and I don’t wash the mirrors of the Volvo I live in. BUT HAVE I HAD A HANGOVER?
The answer is no.
Want to be immune to awareness of your body’s gradual disintegration? Or, as I like to call it, UNSTOPPABLE? Buy Blowfish at your local CVS, on Amazon, or text me for my address (it changes from time to time, as it is vehicular). For just $15, you can turn your life upside down and fuck it up the ass.
Gregory Marblemouth is the town troubadour of Concord, California and an on-call holiday bell-ringer for Bay Area Walgreen’s locations. His contact information has been removed, as he does not remember writing this article.