We here at PPOP love nothing more than getting catatonically high and watching Food Network for shamefully long periods of time. So, last night while I lay aimlessly on the couch for five hours mildly hallucinating and watching Giada De Laurentiis and her terrifyingly perfect teeth, I transcribed a few drink recipes. Bottoms up!
The Snow Plow
1/8 g cocaine
1 mg Xanax
as much gin as you like
lime juice in lime shaped bottle from back of fridge
½ plastic straw
The Snow Plow is a snowy, seasonal sensation! To really knock your fuzzy Polar Bear socks off, first take a look in your cabinet to confirm that there are no clean dishes, and then choose the cleanest looking glass from the sink, rinsing it with only scalding hot water and no soap for quickest, but not cleanliest results. We’re not trying for godliness here; just rinse out most of the red wine from last night’s shame fest. Sprinkle some of the coke and Xanax on the counter, rimming said glass with the mixture and concocting a G&T like you normally would. Now, here’s the fun part! Rack a giant line in front of the cup on the kitchen counter, and pretend that the only way to get to your drink is by clearing up all this pesky snow. Think to yourself “I’m a snow plow!!” and suck it up your nose with one satisfying snort through the straw. Insert straw into cup, remove yourself back to the couch, and text all of your friends about how totally chill you feel and that you love not being able to feel your mouth!
Christmas With The Family
Plastic gas station whiskey
An evening with the ones you love most
This one is sure to really take the edge off! Two hours into your meal at Aunt Becky’s house, a “dry household” because her second husband Uncle Terry used to be an alcoholic and can’t be “near the stuff” anymore, slyly reach into your mom’s purse and pilfer her car keys. Text your favorite cousin and tell them to meet you out front in five minutes. Scarf down the remaining Oreo cheesecake on your plate (classy), and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Quietly opening the front door, make a run for it and jump into the car. Drive to the nearest gas station and purchase a plastic fifth of the cheapest off brand whiskey they sell, and a redbull if you need a chaser/have become reliant upon the addition of stimulants when drinking. Here’s the crucial part: stage a race between you, your cousin, and the bottle inside of the car in the parking lot, trying to finish it as quickly as possible. Finish the bottle; realize you can no longer legally drive back to Aunt Becky’s; leave the car, walk to local watering hole, conveniently located next to the gas station because this is a hellhole of a town; continue drinking inside with your cousin, ignore forthcoming phone calls from family members and enjoy the best Christmas of your life.
Guy from dive bar
Handle of Captain
Pinch of nutmeg
Another glassless and classless recipe, this dandy drink is basically organic! For this one to work, you’re going to want to have a horrible day at work that prompts your going to a dive bar alone and taking some random dude home immediately. You’ve been drinking since you got off at five, so you’re already on the verge of a blackout. When you get to the part where he tries to pull your head up so he can get inside of you, instead finish off, swallow, and swirl around a small amount of nutmeg and a big gulp of Captain in your mouth, and then ask him to leave. Then fall asleep with the lights on partially clothed, and phone a friend to cry in the morning.