Sometimes it’s a yeast infection. Sometimes it’s that third day after you shave all of the pubic hair off your vulva, as we’ve been conditioned to think is sexy; you know, that third day when the hairs are sharp but short and one hair from one side is poking the other side and it hurts? Right. Sometimes, it’s a simple sensory experience that needs some alleviation. Sometimes, it’s an excuse to slip into the other room and masturbate. And sometimes, you should probably just go to the doctor.
For all cases that aren’t the latter, or if you’re still waiting on the outcome of those test results, you’ve found yourself in a dilemma. If you were a dude, you could simply rearrange your doodly-doods (read: balls), and strangers would maybe be a little off put for a moment, but no one would scoff at you on the street. But if you’re a lady (my emphasis), a little self stimulation is a bit less socially acceptable, and suggestively auto-erotic… Jezebel! So, ladies (my emphasis again; I am the one writing this article), today I have an important lesson to teach you. It’s not to buy yourself a big ol’ Costco pack of Monistat 3-day, and its not to abandon the patriarchal pubic debacle, because I personally cherish my own lil’ naked mole rat (possibly from watching too much Girls Next Door in middle school): today, we learn how to itch our vaginas in public.
Scenario 1: Class Time
An easy fix, though if your desks are arranged in a circle for discussion and you have no courtesy panel beneath your desktop (what year is this?! It’s indecent!!), you’ll have to move with the fluid casualness of a practiced serial killer: you. are. stealth! Uncap your pen and place the cap on the opposite end of the ballpoint. Fabricate a façade of absent-mindedness, allowing your eyes to stare off into space and your hand to guide the pen in a continuous zig-zag formation across your upper thighs; when this has gone on for say, 30-45 seconds, pounce on that little prickle with a few smooth stabs on your way from side to side. Sweet, sweet satisfaction!
Scenario 2: On Tha Street
I really hope you’re wearing leggings in this scenario, because if you’re in a thick denim or a dress, you’re just gonna have to bite the bullet and go for an obvious southern scrub on the street. However, if you’re in the former: pretend to readjust the waistband of your leggings, pinching the top of your panties if possible, and pull up, allowing them to snap back into their proper place. If this isn’t aggressive enough, use both hands to readjust, and hope that the force of giving yourself a wedgie alleviates the itch. If this still isn’t good enough, locate a loose cobblestone or crack in the street and trip yourself, scratching on the way down: no one will know the true intent behind the tumble.
Scenario 3: Trader Joe’s
You’re on the frozen food aisle, eyeing that orange chicken. (I fuckin’ see you, lil miss, I knows you and I sees you!) Suddenly, the eggplant parmesan catches your attention; although it refuses to hold its rightful form after you microwave it, it still manages to maintain its delectability and then—the great tickle of the south is upon you! Here’s our plan of action, I’m with you on this: quickly make your way over to the produce section. What’s that you say, your cart can’t get through because you came to Trader-Fucking-Joe’s on Sunday at 4:30 PM? Abandon the cart! Scurry over to the apples (I recommend the seasonal Piñata variety- belissimo!) and feign that you see juuust the right apple in the top right-hand corner of the very back of the apples on the tippy top. Reach with all of your might, let your face show the struggle—in this instance of the act is the moment of truth. Discreetly relieve yourself by rubbing your vag against the sign, like a cat on a scratching post or a frotter on the subway. Voila! Vaginal rejuvenation, and no one harmed but a nearby child at eye-level with said sign.
Scenario 4: Masturbate Instead
Remove yourself to another room; insert preferred number of phalanges into pants (no need to remove pants). Jiggle, Jingle, Jump and Jive: Jizz. (In your pants? Chill.)
Xanaxes & O’s