test the devotion of your sibling’s new significant other this Thanksgiving

It’s reached that point in your brother or sister’s relationship (we’ll use ‘sister’ in this article for the sake of brevity) where she’s deemed that special someone worthy enough to introduce to the whole fam. And what better time to assault this poor fellow (let’s say the sister in this scenario is bisexual and currently courting a male) than Thanksgiving: the holiday devoted to excessive consumption of literally everything, including self-esteem.

Since you’re all together on this day, take advantage of  your blood bond and team up to determine if this new dinner guest is fit to carry forth your noble name. Yes, I know, they may have only been dating a few weeks, but why waste any time at all on a lost cause?

Here are some ideas.

  1. Give him a nickname immediately, something that will stick easily, like Spike (Ay, Spike? Atta boy, Spike. Fuck you, Spike) and use it throughout the evening
  2. Ask him to guess your mother’s age
  3. Deflect all his questions with questions; never reveal anything–that’s your sister’s job, after all
  4. Delegate one family member to speak only in song (no need to rhyme, just keep a clear melody going)
  5. When Spike talks about his job, become visibly upset and explain how Uncle Anthony used to have the same profession before we lost him to suicide
  6. Have Grandma constantly ask Spike why he’s not eating whatever side dish he doesn’t currently have in his mouth (“What, ya don’t like the green beans? What’s wrong with the green beans?“)
  7. Have Aunt Carol ask him if he’s always had that haircut
  8.  Keep putting scraps under the table as if feeding a dog (only if you don’t have a dog)
  9. Have someone ask what books he’s read lately, and regardless of his response, everyone look at the person to their left and snicker judgmentally (unless of course Spike is to your left)
  10. Force him to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation with your whole family after dinner, witnessing everyone’s remarkable ability to recite the whole film word-for-word

If he’s still talking to her after this, he’s genuinely into her, and all of you are assholes who’d be more than lucky to call Spike one of your own.




speak yo' mind

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