how to not be awkward after hooking up with your housemate

I recently pulled a classic “me” and let what should have been a friendly Netflix stand-up comedy binge evening become a Netflix head-down penis binge night with one of the dudes I’m living with. Seeing as I’m no Zooey Deschanel, this wasn’t a romantic season finale, just a friendship-shattering fuck-up.

He’s a chill guy–literally the homie. I would’ve said he’s like a brother before this little slip-up. Or slip-in, if we’re being literal about this. But unlike most regrettable hook-ups, I can’t exactly use the old “stop texting him back” technique, seeing as we share a hallway, living room, bathroom, and, most importantly, kitchen. I don’t know why, but I don’t like the idea of side-by-side stovetop action next to him now. What if one of us is stirring fresh mac n’ cheese and it makes that slimy sound eerily reminiscent of finger-blasting? Unacceptable.

Therefore, throughout the week I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips for the rest of you innocent ladies who’ve been in a similar pickle.

  • Avoid your house as much as you can, and if you absolutely have to come home, stay in your room most of the time
  • Stop wearing those skimpy Victoria’s Secret PINK pajama shorts from 7th grade around the house, no matter how comfortable they are

In the inevitable event of group settings where you’re both present:

  • Don’t sit anywhere near him–you wouldn’t want any incidental elbow-brushing
  • Don’t ever make eye contact with him. Ever.
  • Stop saying “story of my life” after someone says anything related to swallowing, moisture, banana nut muffins, fists, back entrances, front
    entrances–really any type of entrances
  • Always laugh at his jokes, even if they’re stupid, so he knows you’re not feeling awkward at all about the purely platonic friendship you share
  • Limit “Too close to home” or “Keep it in the family” comments

To summarize: there’s no going back. You’ve ruined life as you know it until your lease is up, and “home” has become synonymous with “semi-incestuous sex den”. A mature confrontational conversation about rectifying the situation is a cute idea, but face it, that’s not going to happen.

If these lifestyle changes sound too challenging, you can do as I do instead, and make the situation even worse by continuing to hook up with him and pretending nothing’s happened. In the wise words of my grandmother: “Nothing eases the tension quite like a good rim job.”

Helen

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