So: its 2 a.m. You’ve come back from the bar, maybe with a stranger, maybe with a boyfriend; maybe you really don’t even remember who because you blacked out at around 11. You’re on the bed, the couch; or maybe even the floor because sometimes you just gotta make it work, and you’re getting your groove on. At some point, you feel a friendly little tap on the top of your head, a tap that murmurs with suggestion: “follow my directions, I am wise.” You follow: maybe there’s some romantic happy trail kisses, or maybe you just plunge into the depths of the guy’s pants like you’re an Olympic diver hitting the water. Either way, we’ve got some tips for your next few moves.
Aside from, perhaps, genocide and reaching into a bag of Ruffles for the next chip only to discover the bag is empty, there aren’t a whole lot of things worse than getting your own hair caught in your mouth when you’re giving a casual beej to a comrade. Making my hair sticky with my own saliva, entangling it in the mess of my tongue and this flesh lollipop I’m sucking on while trying to conceal my dead eyes behind my lids? The worst. We present to you: Pen Pals On Pill’s first tutorial. The BJ Bun. (Copyright pending).
Step 1: Find a partner, gather round. You’re gonna give head, you’re gonna go down! (Read that in the tune of “Swing Your Partner Round & Round).
Step 2: Secure a safe, private spot to avoid one of your roommates walking in on you in the kitchen, thus encountering you with a bag o’ dicks in your mouth. Or just one dick, but whatever.
Step 3: Insist you get a proper pussy lickin’ first. It ain’t gon lick itself, amirite ladies?
Step 4: Gather all of your hair into your hands like you’re going to secure a ponytail, at the top of your head. We’re going for a tight, slicked back gymnast look for ultimate avoidance of follicle/penile interaction. Now, twist this hair equally as tightly, quickly making a ballerina bun, allowing the tail ends of the hair to act as nature’s elastic. This might take a few tries, but will be well worth it once you get the hang of it.
Step 5 (optional): If your hair is too thin or you’re simply too drunk to accomplish this, grab anything that seems viable and stick it in the bun like you would a chopstick. Then make a joke about him sticking his chopstick in your buns, so you seem adventurous and culturally aware.
Step 6: Feast.
Step 7: At this point in the game, you have 3 options, depending on your level of paternal abandonment issues. You’re either going to want to grab a tissue, a tee shirt, or a towel; brace your brave little (game of) throat, because winter is coming; or, completely abandon your already wavering self respect and present your face as a canvas—you’re an artist, how cool!
Step 8: Hit up home base, awkwardly leave, or insist on snuggles and information about his childhood and how his relationship is with his mom.
We sincerely hope you guys find this little pro-tip helpful, I know we have. Oh, and if you go for the latter in Step 7, just remember that semen contains sugar, just like a Lush Sugar Scrub. Fuck you Lush, this one’s free!
Xanaxes & O’s,