I’ve Got an Itch to Scratch

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Sometimes it’s a yeast infection. Sometimes it’s that third day after you shave all of the pubic hair off your vulva, as we’ve been conditioned to think is sexy; you know, that third day when the hairs are sharp but short and one hair from one side is poking the other side and it hurts? Right. Sometimes, it’s a simple sensory experience that needs some alleviation. Sometimes, it’s an excuse to slip into the other room and masturbate. And sometimes, you should probably just go to the doctor.

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test the devotion of your sibling’s new significant other this Thanksgiving

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It’s reached that point in your brother or sister’s relationship (we’ll use ‘sister’ in this article for the sake of brevity) where she’s deemed that special someone worthy enough to introduce to the whole fam. And what better time to assault this poor fellow (let’s say the sister in this scenario is bisexual and currently courting a male) than Thanksgiving: the holiday devoted to excessive consumption of literally everything, including self-esteem.

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your body wash smells like lies

I recently had a revelation in the CVS Bath Care aisle when trying to decide which body wash to buy. About 75% of women’s soap fragrances are either subjective experience-based bullshit…or vanilla. With no other descriptions to go on, apparently these are some of the scents I can choose to embody:

Endless Kiss: Vaguely minty saliva with undertones of cigarette ash and beer.

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no one’s acknowledging Peet’s Coffee’s holiday cups

peetscoffeejoke1Amidst the outrage surrounding Starbucks’s bold decision to sell red coffee cups, few have expressed strong opinions  about the symbols of Satanic worship now featured on cup sleeves at Peet’s Coffee & Tea.

“I think the color red is a much more blatant rejection of Christ,” pastor Richard Harrison of Grafton, North Dakota said.

Perhaps it’s all about perspective.

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